CIA Chief John Brennan Is Getting A Little Bored, People


Whoa, for a moment there I was worried. Our own Inspector-General here at the CIA has verified that we tortured people and then lied about it and then illegally surveilled the Intelligence Committee that’s supposed to oversee us, to intimidate them into not publishing the report that documents the torture and lying and covering up. All of which was illegal, like you even care. Even Lawfare is calling for “repercussions”.

What, repercussions like refusing to confirm me as the actual head of the actual CIA? Too late, suckers. Repercussions? Ahaahahaaahaha! Are you kidding me?

Listen, the only person who’s ever gone to jail as a result of CIA torture was the guy who blew the whistle on it. Hell, the lickspittle media is still putting “torture” in air quotes and talking about “enhanced interrogation techniques” (when we do it, naturally, not when “dictatorial regimes” do it.) It’s beautiful. Talk about catapulting the propaganda!

Us senior intelligence agency folks do wonder sometimes though –

What’s it gonna take?

I mean, it’s barely any fun any more. Back in Reagan’s day, when I got my start, we were just rollin’ and trollin’, you know? Taking dumb risks, seeing how far we could go before we got caught, straight up WASPin’ our youthful hearts out. But now we’ve realized that there’s actually no risk at all. Half you guys are chumps who have no idea what we’re up to. The other half are saps too scared to confront us. Hello, McFly? What are you waiting for?

Could we make it any clearer that we’re a bunch of amoral psychopaths? What do you need, billboards?

We helped foment a coup in Ukraine, OK? And before that in Honduras – yes, the place all those kids are coming from. Our friends over at the NSA have been wiping their asses with the Fourth Amendment for years now. Our FBI buddies are so bored they’re creating their own terrorism plots out of whole cloth with your tax dollars.

At this point, I swear we could walk onto the floor of Congress, behead Alan Grayson and Justin Amash on camera with a katana, and mount their heads on pikes on the National Mall, and you sheep wouldn’t even raise a mildly aggrieved baa. Hell, we’d probably get calls of congratulation from half of Congress. You must really love those chains you’re wearing.

I’m not feeling it any more, OK? I’d pull a Berlusconi and run a TV network as my personal fiefdom, but why bother? You guys toe the line without us even having to try.

I know, here’s a thought. How’s about we shoot our aging arsenal of nuclear weapons at the Amazon rainforest and claim that nuclear winter is the only patriotic solution to global warming? Brazil is beginning to piss me off. Maybe then you’d react?

I don’t know. Give us something to push against. What’s the point of aspiring to Evil Prime Level 9000, putting in all this work to undermine the Constitution, if you all just roll over and play dead? Where’s the fun in that?

Can’t you just threaten to fire me at least, for pity’s sake? Even Senator Udall, who’s as against this stuff as any Senator is, is only calling for me to resign. What’s that going to do? I’ll just go back to my cushy highly-paid private sector gig at Sotera Defense Solutions, and they’ll happily provide someone to take my seat at the table. We all know you wouldn’t follow through with that threat. But at least keep pretending you’re in charge, like the Constitution says you should be.

C’mon, work with me here and we can keep this theater going three, maybe even five years longer, and we can all collect our medals, retire down to Ile A Vache. See you at the swim-up bar!

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