Here at the Boston Regional Intelligence Center, we have watched in sorrow as misinformation about our work to defend America and keep Americans safe here in America has appeared in certain scurrilous publications. We felt it was important to get the truth out about what we do and why we do it.
Some crypto-Marxist at the Jamaica Plain Gazette decided to ask this week why we were busy tracking the activities of local peace activists and the Occupy movement, instead of, say, paying attention to intelligence reports we had received from Russia about some guy called Tsarnasomethin Whatshisface.
God, you people! It’s like you think that just because we’ve taken billions of your dollars and told you we’ll use it to prevent terror attacks, you expect us to actually prevent them!
Allow us to break it down for you point-missing morons.
Sure, the Boston Marathon bombs killed four people, crippled tens, injured hundreds, and caused over a billion dollars of economic damage; but it’s not as if anybody important got hurt. A couple of delinquent Cambridge boys don’t exactly pose a meaningful threat to the power structure we serve. On the other hand, if any of that mass left-wing peacenik Occupy bullshit had really taken off, our budgets would now be, what’s the word, amputated. Maybe by as much as 5%! I hardly need to tell you, kidizens, as our newspoodles are happy to repeat for us: If that happens, sharia tyranny will be barely a breath away.
Besides, we get like a hundred of reports like the Tsarnaev one every day anyway. Even if anyone had read it, how could we have known that this particular loopy radicalized raghead report was any different from all the others? You don’t even care, do you, about all the Abdallahs and Ahmads and Abdul Alhazreds I have to wade through, and that’s just the goddamn As. At least when we’re spying on hippies and swinging it like it was the happy days of J. Edgar Hoover, we can tell who is who and spell all their goddamn names when we send it up the chain.
This is how it works, OK? You pay us money. We get to do exactly what we want with it. You don’t even get to know how we spend it, let alone have a say in it. If we want to spend our time in cahoots with the bankers that crashed the economy, thwarting anything that will disrupt the cosy little racket we’ve got going, that’s our business, not yours. Why? Because TERRORISM, that’s why, and TERRORISM is whatever we say it is. Jeez, how did you get this obtuse?
Meanwhile, we’re gonna keep tracking every goddamn place you go and every goddamn word you say, like you’re an eight-year-old child and we’re your creepy uncle Stan. And we’ll keep on toasting our marshmallows in a bonfire of your Ben Franklins, until such time as our delightfully submissive Congress and our esteemed representatives on Beacon Hill tell us the fusion center jamboree is over, ‘kay?
We appreciate your continued willing participation in the surveillance state. Keep your cellphone on and a smile on your face, and if you see something, say something. Now get that microphone out of my goddamn face or I’ll have you arrested.